Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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