You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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