There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
