he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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