Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
