I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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