Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
