watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
