There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
