end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
