You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
