So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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Redeem this text for a blowjob
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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