She even gives head with a lisp.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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