Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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