3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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