Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
