She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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