My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
