I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
