I want to have your abortion
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
