Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
