I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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