I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
