Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
