I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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