The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
