I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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