Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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