i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
