Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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