not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
