he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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