you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
