bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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