had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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