Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
