I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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