fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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