I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
