My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
