come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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