Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
