I hate your face
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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