Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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