does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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