Already got asked if we're dating
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
