she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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