We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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