he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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