she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
