3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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