it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
