You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
