Do you still have your period?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
