He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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