You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
